Jan. 17th, 2008

Story Time

Jan. 17th, 2008 08:22 pm
realexplodingcat: (Default)
Today's weather reminds me of my childhood, when school would be canceled and we'd all rush outside to listen for the wretched howls of the abdominal snowman. Suburban lore told us kids of the white beast that only woke from its slumber on snowy days whereupon it roamed the square mile of forest between housing developments, looking for lost children to eat.

"Now, don't you kids go wandering in that forest," our parents would say. "The abdominal snowman will get you and swallow you whole."

I believed them for twenty years. One day, during winter break from college, it snowed. Snowed like a blizzard. I wanted nothing more than to see the abdominal snowman. I could hear the terrible cries of the beast, sounding like a tuneless yodel between mountain tops. I followed it deep into the forest, at least a hundred yards. There, peeking out from behind an abandoned refrigerator, was a white, fur covered beast, ape-like and eight feet tall. At least, I figured It would be eight feet tall if It hadn't been doubled over, clutching Its stomach with Its great hairy hands. It moaned and cried, with look of anguish on Its face.

"Are you the abdominal snowman?" I asked.

"Yes-s-s-s-s, ohhhhhh, oowowowowoow," It said.

"Are you going to eat me?"

"Are you kidding?" It said, ceasing Its howling for a moment. It looked at me as if I were crazy before saying, "About 10 years ago I ate a kid. Just one kid. I've been horribly ill ever since then."

It doubled over, clutched Its stomach, and groaned long and low.

"Well, sir," I said. "There's a reason I always carry a bottle of ipecac syrup around with me. Here, drink this down."

The monster drank the ipecac. It dropped the bottle and before the glass hit the ground, the beast was heaving behind the refrigerator. What a ghastly sound. I can't bear to describe It. When It was done, It stood up straight to a height of eight feet.

"Thank you! Thank you!" It said. It smiled and ran to me, grabbing me in a loving bear hug. "I haven't felt this good in over 10 years! I promise you, from now one I'm eating only berries, twigs, and squirrels."

The beast walked off into the forest.

After It had gone and I couldn't help myself. I was too curious to go home without looking behind that refrigerator to see what had been making the creature ill for 10 years. Imagine my surprise when I saw a human, a young woman, lying there in the snow. She was still breathing and looked to be at least 18 years old. She had survived 10 years in the belly of the Abdominal Snowman only to be sicked up at my feet. That, my friends, is how I met my wife.

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