Beets are good.

I feel that I must finally come to terms with several things in my life.

First, there is the dilemma of my holiday gift, received from my dear wife. I really was joking when I said I wanted a pet tumbleweed. I never in my wildest dreams thought that someone would wait for a tumbleweed to roll in their yard, take a picture, put it up on ebay, and actually get bids. Nor did I foretell my wife being the high bidder on the item in question. And then it was shipped to me, but it had to dry out first as that area of California received rain.

For a month, my wife teased me about my gift.
"Oh, honey, your gift will be late. It has to dry out."
"Hon, let me know if we receive a large box in the mail or UPS. It will be about 3x3x3."

When we arrived home from Florida, the box was by the door. I opened it slowly as my wife sat on her perch and cackled.

Then I pulled out thorny bush which had taken on the rather cubic dimensions of the box.

She gave me a tumbleweed.

I can't wait for a windy, dry day. I'll take it out to play.

I must be careful, however, since she keeps referring to it as "that disco weed" and looking for silver spray paint and large glitter.

The second issue concerns my wife. I fear she's growing gills. I always knew she was a mudskipper, but she refuses to acknowlege that she might just be marine in nature. I suspect this is why inhaling air is causing her such searing pain. I introduced her to Mr. Sparkly, a former fly who happens to be quite magical, as I thought he might be able to help her. Alas, she just laughed at his metamorphosis and called me a dear boy whom she loves so much.

Third problem. Wife started preparing borscht today. Borscht is one of the most incredible foods on the planet. As she was tossing stuff in the pot, she turned to me aghast and exclaimed, "I forgot to buy the cabbage. We're doomed!" Naturally, I put on my shoes and coat and went to the store.

So I'm standing there in line with my head of cabbage when the cashier notices me. "Hey, big guy. Planning a big night, eh?" Then she winked at me.

Winked.

I was carrying cabbage.

I told her that the cabbage was for a frat initiation party. She said, "Yeah. They called ahead and asked to ask you to pick up vaseline, too. They forgot to mention it when you left."

I shrugged, walked away, came back and told her the vaseline shelf was empty, paid for my cabbage and left.

She'll probably be confused when the real frat guy comes in for his cabbage and vaseline.

I can't believe wife gave me a tumbleweed.

Oh, well. She also made some borscht. And it didn't kill me. Such a good wife.