What child is this?

Why am I awake!?!?!?

What kind of short minister of slack-jawed acidic drooling creeping death covered in short bristly fur that hurts when you bump into it while rolling over in someone else's bed the morning after an evening of smoking banana peels and eating frozen daiquiris schedules a final exam at 9am on a Saturday?!?!

Apparently, I am about to find out.