my feet are *special*

[realexplodingcat]

You see, my feet are a very important part of me. They help me get where I am going. Yes, my awesome coding skills and beautiful eyes helped me land my current job, but without my feet, I'd have gone to the interview with my wife (she'd push my wheelchair, since I refuse to get my hands dirty or wear good gloves) and, when the management saw HER, they'd have tossed my resume into the shredder, then immediately incinerated those shreds.

My feet are also incredibly ticklish. This merely shows how sensitive a guy I am. I cry when I'm tickled. I stop breathing. I turn blue. Then I get angry and start pummeling whoever is torturing me.

I keep my toenails long and sharp. It's a great protective asset. With long nails, I can fight like a cat or slash like a raptor. I can also walk on ice without fearing the lack of adequate friction. And opening cans while sitting around a campsite--no need to carry a bulky swiss army knife--my toes are the answer to everything.

Lately, I've been cultivating a thick layer of callus on the soles of my feet. It is my belief that this will (a) aid me in withstanding my tickling tormenters; (b) allow me to walk through acid without damage to the more tender flesh underneath the callus; (c) let me save money by not buying shoes; (d) render me impervious to my wife's cold feet.

My wife is not impressed by my feet. When I'm not looking, she tackles my lower legs, sits on my skins, and files my nails. She attempts to buff my calluses away by lining the shower with sandpaper or pretending that her pumice stone is a new massage device. She thinks she can smooth all my troubles away with her accoutrements of doom. She doesn't understand how much I like my invulnerable adaptations.

And she asks the podiatrist if she can have my toes should he ever have to amputate.

Need I reiterate just how EVIL wife is?

Comments

hello!!

[jkatj.livejournal.com]

Unless I misunderstood the link that brought me to your journal, you are the "boy" of a friend of mine. I know her from both online and real life adventures (much heavier on the online than the real life, though).

I read your entries this morning on the bus (I have a geeky handheld computer for such things), and I love your writing style.

Would you mind if I added you to my friends list?

Re: hello!!

[explodingcat.livejournal.com]

Absolutely, you may add the great and powerful ExplodingCat to your friends list. Just pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

*peeking behind curtain*

[jkatj.livejournal.com]

Excuse me, sir . . . Great and Powerful ExplodingCat, sir. Thank you for the permission to add you to my friends list.

But . . . hey! You don't look like a cat at all. You look like a man. Humpf. Talk about false advertising. Geez.

Well, anyway, far be it from me, of meek and powerless characteristics, to correct you, Your Greatness, Your ExplodingCatness, you, but unless your feet are exceptionally special, you may want to delete your duplicate entry about them.

*bowing humbly*
jkatj

I saw you at the DAX, it was incredible!

[(Anonymous)]

Dear EC,
I saw you at the DAX in BAL. That shit was off the chain. Seriously: that was some dope shit. Your unrelenting honesty moved me and my entire party, most of whom share your preferences in D, as well as XXXD. We had some questions for you:

-Was it you or your wife who devised the "Dendrite System"?
-How many failures were there when you first started out? (I have experienced four, and my parents won't let me try any more at home)
-Are you now or have you been at any time a member of the Laughing Lepers Front? (You look just like the bassoonist, except he has no proper feet)

Anyways thanks for the moving presentation. I speak for multitudes of DB's when I say this.

Thanks again,

Arthur Pool
410.230.1013 (public info line)

[seanmcguire.livejournal.com]

Dude, you're fuckin' hilarious. Write more. Please.