it's that time of year again

Each night, my wife comes to bed a few hours after I've fallen asleep. She quietly closes the door behind her, resets the stereo so it's no longer on repeat, and silently climbs into bed. At this point, she LOUDLY rearranges her pillows. I pretend not to mind, but secretly, I'm just happy that she's finally catching up on ever-elusive sleep.

I tiptoed out of the bedroom this morning, as I do every morning. Firstly, I don't want to awaken her. Secondly, my beautiful wife turns into a Gorgon with the sun's early rays. I do all I can to avoid that ghastly sight.

After fixing a nice breakfast, I settled down to watch a friend's movie. The score is mostly complete, but I need to write one more song. After an hour, I hear my wife in the bathroom, splashing water on her face and grumbling about how evil daylight is. She then appears next to me on the purple leopard-print couch and tucks her feet beneath her in that way only women and cats can do. She didn't share her strawberry yogurt, but I *did* eat the last egg.

Then she did it. She turns to me as she's finishing her yogurt and smiles that endearing, sweet "youlightupmyworld" smile.

That smile does ANYTHING but light up my world.

"What do you want?"

She keeps smiling as she snuggles up next to me, her cute, hard-to-believe-it-could've-turned-my-body-to-stone-ten-minutes-earlier face beaming expectantly.

"Honey? Sweetie?"

She puts her arms around my neck and whispers those words I dread: "I've decided on our hallowe'en costumes."

No.

Anything but this.

One year, she made me dress up like little bo peep. Another time--a spider plant.

I bury my head under the sofa cushion, but I still manage to hear her chirp, "We're going to be maki rolls!"

No man wants to hear that he's going to spend a whole evening dressed as sushi. And since my wife doesn't eat meat, she'll probably make all sorts of seaweed and avocado hairdresses for me. Or make a daikon codpiece simply because she's like that.

I can't take it...

"I want to be a Dalek!"

"We DID that a few years ago. I'm not going to spend a whole evening with a husband who people claim is 'ribbed for my protection.'"

This will be a hard one to win. I turn on the puppy dog charm (bleagh, I hate dogs, but kitty cat indifference cannot sway this shrewd general of a woman).

"A Cyberman?"

She's not amused and I can tell that this will be a long morning.

I try again: "I WANNA BE A CYBERMAN!"

She just stares at me, smiling the smile of a praying mantis female who is about to engage in copulation.

I leap off the couch and jump around in circles. I even go into the kitchen and start making a Cyberman mask out of foil. I'm standing there, pressing foil to my face, when I feel her arms around my neck.

"Oh, honey. I won't make you dress up in a maki roll costume."

I've won?

This... is a miracle! So I kiss her and thank her for not making me wear kelp this year.

Then I see that she's hiding something behind her back.

I warily try to see what it is, painfully craning my neck.

"What's that?"

She smiles demurely and I know I have lost.

"It's your research for your true costume. We're gonna be pirates!"

She hands me a book as I leap around the kitchen, waging battle with the colanders and toaster oven. "Yar! Avast ye scurvy dogs!"

Then I look at the book.

Next year, I'm quitting while I'm ahead, even if she suggests that I (and four of my closest male friends) dress as a boy band.