shower drains should be illegal

I was all tucked into bed tonight, happily dreaming of Dave Brockie, when I heard it. I'm not sure there are words to describe that awful sound.

Truly hideous. Shrill. Screeching. Like metal twisting down to the marrow of my bones.

And what's worse--I really had to pee.

So I looked around to make sure nothing was about to eat my feet and then walked to the bathroom.

Then I stopped.

The sound was IN the bathroom!!!

So I tried to walk to the door, stubbed my toe, cursed at my wife's stuffed rhinocerous collection, and walked to the other bathroom.

As I was fumbling with the light, she saw me.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

I'm pretty sure that I enunciated correctly, but she made me repeat myself.

"Hon, why don't you use the other bathroom? "

So, I bared my heart and soul for her, as I do day after day.
O, Lord, will she EVER stop laughing at me?

I spoke clearly this time:
"I think there's a cricket in there."

She put down the computer and got up right away. I locked myself in the safe bathroom. When I came out, she was sitting on the bed giggling.

My stomach fell to my grave. I knew right then I wasn't going to be sleeping tonight. So I asked her if it was gone, knowing in my heart of hearts that this vicious insectophile was going to rob me of yet another night's sleep.

Why does her sweet smile belie her sinister mind?
"Hon, I'm afraid that you've met our new roommate. He lives in the drain. I'd ask him to leave, but..."

I told her to go on.

"Well, he's sort of paying rent."

I can't believe this. My wife has allowed a bug to sublet. And not just any bug, but a CRICKET--the most evil, the most vile, the most frighteningly vicious creature this planet has ever fostered.

So I asked her to tell him his lease was up.

"I can't do that... He's sort of ... entertaining. That's why you heard his love song. I know. I don't like hearing him get lucky any more than you do, but I'm not going to kick him and his new flame out."

I gaped at her. She looked discomfited. I stalked out and decided to stake a claim on the laptop. She's still in there. She's probably listening to them.

LISTENING.

BUGS ARE HAVING SEX IN MY BATHROOM.

Oh.

She just came out. Apparently, she had a talk with him. He's willing to keep it down. He even said that they'd go to his lover's house if they decided to get noisy again. She also pointed out that he DID hang a sock on the doorknob, so I should've known to keep the door closed tonight. Being my ever-understanding wife, she also admitted that she's been known to hang laundry to dry in rather unusual places.

I guess I can go back to bed now.