Cable Guy Vs. Dish Network Guy

The other day we had the good fortune to have both Cable Guy (hooking up our cable modem) and Dish Network Guy (installing our dish for TV). You may think it would be easier to just get cable for both, but we carefully orchestrated this duel installation for our entertainment--a blue-collar grudge match on our front lawn.

In one corner the Dish Network guy, weighing in on the tall and hefty side. An irascible man with a good heart. A gulf war veteran with an appreciation for fine wood working. Hobbies include drilling through three-foot thick cement bunker walls to run cable for dish TV.

In the other corner, cable guy, weighing in on the skinny side. A former computer scientist who studied in Canada, but has home field advantage because he grew up not more than a few blocks from the battle ground. Exploits include refusing to work with databases that have no documentation in favor of a job with the cable company.

The match begins with verbal taunting, as the guys size each other up.

Dish Guy (with snarky expression on face): "Can you install me a cable modem?"
Cable Guy: "Where do you live?"
Dish Guy: "Elkton." (a mysterious land in the middle of nowhere)
Cable Guy: "Dream on..."
Dish Guy: "You got the boxes out there, but nothing's working."
Cable Guy: "That's probably not going to change."

Further banter includes a war of words of the financial state of the cable company (who has recently filed for bankruptcy protection). Cable Guy defends his position, deferring blame to bad corporate accounting. Sort of a mini-Enron scandal. Dish Guy laughs and quips about the loss of Cable Guy's retirement plan. Cable Guy confidently reveals he doesn't have a 401K with his company.

Then, a cold war begins. Dish Guy spends a lot of time brandishing and firing up his big drills, making a grand show of drilling into the side of our house--a man with a large tool, who knows how to use it. Cable Guy is on the defensive, careful to keep his van between him and the Dish Guy. Rather than walking across the street to climb a pole, Cable Guy drives his van from one side of the street to the other. He could have walked a few steps to the other side, but that would have left him vulnerable...so he was smart and kept that van close at all times. Never know when he might need to run down the Dish Guy in an act of self-defense.

Dish Guy pulls me aside and points out the old cable wire. "That wire is no good, buddy. It's old. Spliced in three places. That's going to cut your bandwidth big-time. Cable Guy is thinking of leaving that in. He really ought to replace it."

Dish Guy confronts Cable Guy, casually noting the age of the cable for our modem. Cable Guy seems nonplussed, especially since Dish Guy doesn't have his drill in hand. With his trusty van in reach in case anyone needs to be run flat, Cable Guy goes about his business.

Dish Guy goes for his drill. Time to attack the house again.

Dish Guy: "Shit! Sorry, Cable Guy, I nicked your cable with my drill. I'm really sorry about that. Act of God, I guess. Damn, that cable is no good now. Sorry I gotta make you do some extra work here." (With much winking and grinning in my direction)

Cutting the Cable Guy's cable was a decisive blow, considering his work done...Dish Network Guy fires up our TVs, gets everything configured, and drives off to do another job, leaving Cable Guy in the dust to clean up the damage, lick his wounds, and finish his job.

In an interesting turn of events, we learn that Cable Guy actually doesn't have cable TV. He also uses Dish at his own home. And he's careful to point out some secret tricks to exploit our cable connection to get local channels. While not big on brawn, Cable Guy is sly and would likely make a fine double agent.

In the end, no knock outs...but I declare Dish Network Guy the winner, for landing some good hits and improving our service. A fine battle indeed.