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No Rest for the Wicked
Jun. 15th, 2004 09:50 pmThis journal is long overdue for a post about my wife. For anyone wondering what it's like to sleep in the same bed with her, imagine the end of the Indiana Jones film Raiders of the Lost Ark when they open the Ark of the Covenant. You know, all the screaming and face melting? Yeah, it's kinda like that. It's not that bad yet, but it's getting there.
Here are some recent highlights:
She woke me up to tell me her father was looming over our bed, "Look over there! Hi, Dad! Hello!" I tried not to look. Crazy as it is, I had to look, just to ease my mind. Nope, no Dad. Just a 7-foot tall bear, standing upright, trying to figure out how to keep the ax from slipping out of its paws. My father-in-law is a big tall guy, so I can understand my wife's mistake in the dark.
Within the first hour after she drifts off to sleep she will often bolt upright, nearly hyperventilating, pointing at a corner of the room. "What's that?!?!? What's over there?!?!?" Probably a spider. A tiny little spider. I know she's got arachnophobia, but when she can sense their presence in her sleep, it's either time to deliver her to the looney bin or perhaps clean up those cobwebs full of eggs that will eventually hatch into psychic spiders that suck the souls of the slumbering.
One night, she bolted upright in a panic. Screamed when I tried to calm her down. Jumped out of bed and ran out of the room to the opposite end of the house, turning on lights as she went. Her apologetic explanation was that she thought she heard the phone. Honestly, I think she's just too nice to tell me to stop bringing those damn piranha to bed with me. That's love. She knows I can't sleep without them! And once we get the water-bed, I can keep them inside the mattress instead of between the sheets.
Look at the time! Nearly my bedtime. Goodnight, all. Sleep well and don't let the bedbugs scream in your ear.
Here are some recent highlights:
She woke me up to tell me her father was looming over our bed, "Look over there! Hi, Dad! Hello!" I tried not to look. Crazy as it is, I had to look, just to ease my mind. Nope, no Dad. Just a 7-foot tall bear, standing upright, trying to figure out how to keep the ax from slipping out of its paws. My father-in-law is a big tall guy, so I can understand my wife's mistake in the dark.
Within the first hour after she drifts off to sleep she will often bolt upright, nearly hyperventilating, pointing at a corner of the room. "What's that?!?!? What's over there?!?!?" Probably a spider. A tiny little spider. I know she's got arachnophobia, but when she can sense their presence in her sleep, it's either time to deliver her to the looney bin or perhaps clean up those cobwebs full of eggs that will eventually hatch into psychic spiders that suck the souls of the slumbering.
One night, she bolted upright in a panic. Screamed when I tried to calm her down. Jumped out of bed and ran out of the room to the opposite end of the house, turning on lights as she went. Her apologetic explanation was that she thought she heard the phone. Honestly, I think she's just too nice to tell me to stop bringing those damn piranha to bed with me. That's love. She knows I can't sleep without them! And once we get the water-bed, I can keep them inside the mattress instead of between the sheets.
Look at the time! Nearly my bedtime. Goodnight, all. Sleep well and don't let the bedbugs scream in your ear.
