No Rest for the Wicked

[realexplodingcat]

This journal is long overdue for a post about my wife. For anyone wondering what it's like to sleep in the same bed with her, imagine the end of the Indiana Jones film Raiders of the Lost Ark when they open the Ark of the Covenant. You know, all the screaming and face melting? Yeah, it's kinda like that. It's not that bad yet, but it's getting there.

Here are some recent highlights:

She woke me up to tell me her father was looming over our bed, "Look over there! Hi, Dad! Hello!" I tried not to look. Crazy as it is, I had to look, just to ease my mind. Nope, no Dad. Just a 7-foot tall bear, standing upright, trying to figure out how to keep the ax from slipping out of its paws. My father-in-law is a big tall guy, so I can understand my wife's mistake in the dark.

Within the first hour after she drifts off to sleep she will often bolt upright, nearly hyperventilating, pointing at a corner of the room. "What's that?!?!? What's over there?!?!?" Probably a spider. A tiny little spider. I know she's got arachnophobia, but when she can sense their presence in her sleep, it's either time to deliver her to the looney bin or perhaps clean up those cobwebs full of eggs that will eventually hatch into psychic spiders that suck the souls of the slumbering.

One night, she bolted upright in a panic. Screamed when I tried to calm her down. Jumped out of bed and ran out of the room to the opposite end of the house, turning on lights as she went. Her apologetic explanation was that she thought she heard the phone. Honestly, I think she's just too nice to tell me to stop bringing those damn piranha to bed with me. That's love. She knows I can't sleep without them! And once we get the water-bed, I can keep them inside the mattress instead of between the sheets.

Look at the time! Nearly my bedtime. Goodnight, all. Sleep well and don't let the bedbugs scream in your ear.

Comments

Psychic spiders

[javafiend.livejournal.com]

So, are you saying that those dream catchers I hang all around your room at night don't really help?

Re: Psychic spiders

[explodingcat.livejournal.com]

Those dream catchers look suspiciously like spider webs. Or is it that that psychic spider webs look strangely like dream catchers?

It's a native american plot to kill all white people.

Re: Psychic spiders

[explodingcat.livejournal.com]

By the way, Happy Bloomsday!!! :p

http://www.rejoycedublin2004.com (http://www.rejoycedublin2004.com/)

[silent-muse.livejournal.com]

You are forever my hero. . .

[explodingcat.livejournal.com]

All in a day's work, my friend. I'm like a New York fireman fighting the flames of night terrors.

[simonvervain.livejournal.com]

You know, once back in Junior high, I captured a handful of spiders and threw them into her tent while she and J were putting on their swimsuits. In retrospect, that was rather cruel of me....

[explodingcat.livejournal.com]

Hmmm...I wonder if that is the root of her phobia? I'll blame you next time she wakes up screaming :)

[krasota.livejournal.com]

Oh, it was especially cruel, considering how much we taught you that summer... how to swim/survive, how to enjoy being tied up, how to start paddle wars...

Speaking Spiders

[praxisloki.livejournal.com]

I still recall during the House Era of Cohabitiation, we were driving out to parts unknown in the red death trap. The one with the statue of Jesus on the dash. (Sadly, not the Buddy Christ.) You pulled over the car in a calm fashion, and asked me to remove the offending arachnid from the vehicle.

Re: Speaking Spiders

[explodingcat.livejournal.com]

Driving & spiders don't mix when the wife is in the car...and it doesn't matter who is actually driving.