realexplodingcat | (no subject)

Today, this cat came sniffing around at my door, blatantly ignoring the words on the mat. I stepped outside to see what it wanted and it threw itself at my mercy. Just rolled right over and begged me to pet it. Also begged to be let inside.

If only young girls had thrown themselves on my front porch when I was in high school as often as cats do now.

I tell the cat this.

The shrugs and asks, "Where can I eat some weeds?"

"All kinds in the yard," I say.

"Dude, man, some grass!"

"That's in the yard, too."

"No, man, DRUGS! Where can I score some DRUGS!"

This cat informed me that word on the street has it that my wife is leaving out dime-bags of catnip in the backyard. The cat handed me some photographic evidence of another cat chewing on this bag. Minutes later, the same cat is high as a kite in March. Appalled by these allegations, I run to my backyard to see if it has indeed become a kitty crack den. Sure enough, there's a cat standing there hallucinating like a shaman on a mountain top. The cat stares at me and I swear I can hear it say, "Wwwwhhooaaa, you're such a big mouse."

I think I need to have a word with my wife. I'm not sure I'm prepared to deal with the moral and social implications of her becoming a dealer of kitty dope.

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I think someone's been sniffing at my herb jars a little too often.

dude, when i picked up my cat from the vet/boarding last month he was surrounded by two or three pretty women who had just gotten him high. and here i was feeling horrible that i had to leave him there for a few days. time of his furry life. :)

Just rolled right over and begged me to pet it.

How the hell did my cat get all the way to Charlottesville?

(Not that cat, the other one. Nala. Scritch Slut.)

And why did you not accompany her?

I'd say that Jos and Tom are bad influences on the local feline population, but I have never lived in a city with such friendly cats--and they were like this before Jos and Tom got here. I think there's Kitty Thorazine in the water.

Just rolled right over and begged me to pet it.

Isn't that how Jos and Tom met?

Pet the kitty! Cute kitties! YAY! They all looked high as a kite to me...I've got two kitties here that want to know, how they can score some of your fine weed, although they're neurotic housecats, maybe you got something that will bring 'em down rather than up? Let me know, k? We'll pay the big $$$$!

kitty lithium, most likely

Downers for neurotic cats? I'm not sure such a thing exists...

We were both buzzed on catnip for about 5 years. By the time we got our wits about us, we were married and it was too late.

Wow...could you leave me there for a few days?

ethylene glycol, caffeine, nicotine, chocolate.

They all work wonders as downers for neurotic cats. Of course, that's a long lasting down, so use caution and get an alibi before using.

*Laughing hysterically*

Not too late at all! Just let a few of those cats into the house and you'll be rid of your wife soon enough. Be sure to put some earplugs in so all the sputtering and wheezing as she dies won't disturb you too much.

...or I could just bring

evilrumor over. It'd be a quicker death, but she might go for both of you.

at least i'd know *why* i was wheezing and gasping to death... you'd just keel over, sputtering.

have you been painting again? my fingers itch.

at least i'd know *why* i was wheezing and gasping to death... you'd just keel over, sputtering.

Hey, /I'm/ not allergic to cats. I love kitties, except when they wake me up this early in the morning.

have you been painting again? my fingers itch.

No paint. I'm allergic to charcoal, not paint. The only thing I've been doing is reading & sleeping, so maybe you're now allergic to books & beds :P

ROFL!! this post is great. Thanks for sharing the druggie kitties with us. :)

Just like a cat to be unable to resist a mat that says "go away"..

Just like cat itching for a fix!

We need a new "go away" mat. The old one is getting faded. Maybe the cat couldn't read it clearly.