realexplodingcat | Book of Genesis

Welcome to another edition of Irreverent Interpretations of Ancient Literature with Professor ExplodingCat. Today, we will discuss the Book of Genesis, first book in the Bible's Old Testament and an extraordinary primary source for studying the history of the penis.

Genesis tells the story, quite literally, of the birth of God's chosen people. What is a god, after all, without legions of people to worship it? The Lord's command to "be fruitful and multiply" is eagerly obeyed by generation after generation of his people. Throughout Genesis, great emphasis is placed on the penis as the central tool that God's people use to increase their numbers. In honor of this, I offer you, in order of appearance in the narrative:

The Top 10 Phallic Moments in the Book of Genesis

1. Discovery of the Penis.
Adam and Eve, the first people on Earth, live happily in the Garden of Eden until Eve tells Adam to eat a forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. God kicks them out of paradise for their transgression. Poor Adam. God punishes him for listening to his wife. After such punishment, it's no wonder that no man has since listened to his wife. However, in Eve's defense, she probably only feeds him a fruit from the Tree of Knowledge in order to give Adam the brains to know the right things to do without her having to tell him all the time. As soon as they eat from the Tree, Adam and Eve realize they are naked. They realize that Adam has a penis and Eve does not.

2. Cain
As it is written, Adam, "the man knew his wife Eve, and she conceived and bore Cain." It is worth pointing out that if these are the first people on Earth, then this "knowing" is the first genuine use of the penis as God intended it. Amen.

3. Abram Gets With Hagar
Abram is married to Sarai. However, despite several attempts, Sarai is unable to conceive a child. Setting a precedent regarding the importance of using the penis to its greatest capacity and continuing the bloodline of God's people at all costs, "Sarai, Abram's wife, took Hagar the Egyptian, her slave-girl, and gave her to her husband Abram as a wife. He went in to Hagar, and she conceived." Will Abram get lucky with the baby-sitter, too?

4. The Sign of the Covenant
God appears to Abram and makes a covenant between them. God promises Abram that generation after generation of his descendants will form nations and bear kings. God will always be with them if Abram and his descendants keep their side of the bargain. God says, "This is my covenant, which you shall keep, between me and you and your offspring after you: Every male among you shall be circumcised. You shall circumcise the flesh of your fore-skins, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and you." Why? Perhaps God needs a way to tell his men apart from other men. So, He must pull down pants or peek into showers to recognize a man from his people? Perhaps. What is certain is that God has made an important mark on the penis.

5. The Depravity of Sodom
Two angels visit Lot and the men of Sodom demand that Lot bring out the two visitors "so that we may know them," nearly breaking down Lot's door to do so. Soon thereafter, God destroys Sodom. Some people point to this moment as God's disdain for homosexuality. I think they misunderstand the men of Sodom. The enthusiastic voracity with which they want to rape the visiting angels suggests that homosexual is too narrow a term for them. I doubt they would stop with strange men, but would in fact fuck a new tree Lot plants in his front yard. God destroyed Sodom and its men due to the rampant abuse of their sacred tool.

6. Incest is Best
If you can't keep it in the pants, keep it in the family. Lot is an old man without male children to continue his bloodline. His two virgin daughters decide to change that. Two nights in a row, they get Lot drunk on wine and lay with him, conceiving children. Oh yeah! Who's your daddy?

7. Jacob Marries Laban's Daughters
Due to God's need to increase the numbers of his people, Jacob becomes one of the luckiest men in the Bible. He marries the two daughters of a guy named Laban. Jacob loves Rachel, but Laban won't let her get married unless his first born, Leah, is also married. Jacob gets both. They aren't the most content trio and out of their conflict arises a contest between the wives to see how many children they can bear for Jacob, to prove which is the better wife. Jacob is besieged with requests to "go into" and "lay with" the women. The wives, not content with the speed with which they are bearing children, both give Jacob their maids who he must also "go into" so they can bear children to score points in this game. I'd say Jacob wins.

8. Rape of Dinah & Brothers Avenge Their Sister
Shechem rapes Jacob's daughter, Dinah. Afterward, he comes to Jacob and his sons, asking to marry Dinah. The nerve of this guy! The brothers, still not happy about the rape, play it cool. They say, okay. But on one condition. You and all the men of your land must be circumcised. Only then will we do business with your people and permit you to marry Dinah. Shechem, so love-struck that he'll do anything, is quite pleased by this. Not only is he circumcised, but he convinces every man in his city to be circumcised. Three days later, the entire city is incapacitated because all the men are still writhing in pain, recovering from their circumcisions. Dinah's brothers (having planned this in advance) enter the city and kill all the helpless men. Not only do they kill the men, but they plunder the city, taking all the animals, women, wealth, and children. Now that's some sweet revenge.

9. Joseph Dreams of a Great Penis
Joseph says to his brothers, "Listen to this dream that I dreamed. There we were, binding sheaves in the field. Suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright; then your sheaves bowed down to my sheaf." At this point in the Genesis, I'm starting to see phallic images everywhere.

10. Onan the Barbarian
Judah is trying to give his daughter-in-law children. Her first husband, Er, is killed by God. So, Judah tells Onan, Er's brother, to go into Tamar and give her children. Onan, not keen on impregnating his sister-in-law, spills his seed on the ground whenever he goes into her. God is not amused by this early example of the money shot. He kills Onan. Some consider this an argument against masturbation. We even have a word, "onanism," which means masturbation. A terrible misinterpretation. The truth: God is very uptight about wasting opportunities to create children. Now, however, we have plenty of children on Earth. So, have at it!