Book of Leviticus
Oct. 10th, 2004 10:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
realexplodingcatWelcome back to Irreverent Interpretations of Ancient Literature with Professor ExplodingCat. Much time has passed since our last class and I see there is much sorrow in the student body. Levity is needed. And when I say levity, I mean Leviticus. Today, we will study excerpts from a transcript of an episode of "Divine Eye for the Mortal Guy" that directly addresses themes in the Books of Exodus and Leviticus. As you may know, this is the television show in which five gay (as in happy!) angels transform an unlikely prophet and his wayward people into an absolutely fabulous congregation of God fearing individuals.
The Fab Five Meet the Israelites
Our Fab Five angels, each wearing a unique and well tailored technicolor dream-coat, are riding through the desert on their SUC (Sports Utility Camel). Let's meet them: Jonathon, the flamboyant fashion consultant; Elisha, the fastidious food expert; Lazarus, the irresistibly charming interior designer; John, the graceful grooming specialist; and Paul, the cuddly maven of culture.
Elisha: So, who do we have, today?
John: Moses and the people of Israel! He's an old man who had an ordinary life in Midian, until he returned to Egypt to free his people from slavery.
Jonathon: My my! What an ambitious fellow! Why does he need our help?
John: Well, apparently he's stuck in a rut. He's taken his people out of Egypt and they're just wandering the desert without any proper way to show devotion to the Lord. Look, there they are now!
Jonathon: What are they wearing?!? They're going to need some sassier clothes if they're expecting to show proper devotion to the Lord.
Lazarus: Oh MY GOD (ducks under a thrown stone) look at them. They don't even have any furniture, nothing to put between their asses and the sand!
Jonathon: I know! But I think you're getting ahead of yourself. They don't even have any windows for me to toss stuff out of!
Elisha: Moses? What is this food? Manna from heaven? Ok, well you have to learn to cook for yourself sometime. Bread is not going to rain from the sky for the rest of your life.
Paul: Would you look at that! Is that guy worshiping a false idol?
Lazarus: No, I think he's worshiping his neighbor's wife.
Paul: Oh, no! No, don't look over there!
All (except Paul); What?!?
Paul: Is he?!? He's fucking a goat!
Paul: (Pulling the guy off the goat) Have you heard about the 10 commandments? Well this is number 27.5. Say it with me: Thou shall not fornicate with the livestock for it renders them unclean and therefore unfit for sacrificial slaughter. Now, go on, you dirty dirty thing. Go find a wife!
John: (Approaching a young boy) You there. Unclean child! No matter how long you play with that pile of dead chameleons, they aren't going to change color! Now wash your hands and for God's sake don't sacrifice anything until tomorrow.
Lazarus: Well, guys. We have a lot of work to do. The Israelites are preparing for their first religious holiday. Moses tells me his people have a priestly class called the Levites that will receive our wisdom and thereafter have the responsibility of governing their people and teaching them to show proper devotion to the Lord.
Jonathon: Levites? If that lad over there took a bath and wore a pair of vintage Levi's jeans, I'd ask him to receive something from me.
Paul: I'm afraid that's not kosher, Jonathon. At least not among the Levites. Plus, God would smite you for wasting your seed.
Jonathon Illuminates the Levites
Jonathon: First of all, let me say that the common folk are fine and dandy. Common clothes for the common man. But you Levites need to distinguish yourselves. You deserve to wear something special. Forget clothes, my friends. You must wear vestments! You need a breastpiece (I mean who doesn't need a piece of breast?), an ephod, a robe, a checkered tunic, a turban, and a sash. I think you will look best in gold, blue, purple, and crimson yarns made of the finest linen. Now, who can sew around here? (looks around the congregation, spots a man with open sores on his face) WAIT, hold on. You, with the bleeding face and one ear. I'm sorry, but the leprous can't wear vestments. You'll just ooze all over the fine linen. Lepers look best in torn clothing. And let your hair be disheveled.
Elisha Feeds the Hungry
Elisha: Don't eat rock badgers, camels, or pigs. Eagles, vultures, winged insects are right out. They're unclean. You might get leprosy if you eat them. I know you're sad about not eating insects, but the Lord does make an exception for jumping insects. Today, I'll teach you to make a lovely salmon dish garnished with grasshopper legs. We'll serve it with your favorite unleavened bread. Now, I want you to feed yourself well, but don't ignore the appetite of the Lord. He has an insatiable desire for goat and sheep flambé.
Lazarus Helps the Homeless
Lazarus: No faith should be without a proper house of worship. Come see what I've done with this old tent, henceforth known as The Tent of Meeting. I dressed up the place with all these lovely curtains. I think that nice acacia wood Ark of the Covenant really pulls the room together. And it matches so well with the acacia incense altar. You'll notice I overlaid the incense altar with gold to compliment the pure gold lampstands. I know you guys are always on the move, wandering the desert, so I built this fantastic tabernacle for you to haul your stuff. I should point out that everything is washable, because I know this place will regularly become an abattoir when you start sacrifices to the Lord. And it might get humid in here with the bloodletting and fire, so look out for mold. What's mold? Any kind of various fungi that-- What's fungi? Ok, let me put it this way. Your house can get leprosy!
John Instructs the Unwashed Masses
John: Dead animals, penile discharges, touching a leper, sex, oozing cuts, childbirth, menstruation. I could go on and on. There are so many ways to render yourself unclean. But, for your sake, you only need to remember one way to clean yourself. It's simple. Just take a bath in water. And avoid touching others for awhile so you don't accidentally make them dirty. A hair tip, for you. Don't round off the hair on your temples or mar the edge of your beard. Always zhoozh your forelocks to give them a little life before performing a ritual sacrifice.
Paul Injects the Uncouth with Culture
Paul: One of the best things I can tell you is to listen to what the other guys told you today. Their words are the Lord's words. If you disobey the Lord, if you spurn his statutes, abhor his ordinances, or break his covenant, he shall be very creative in the ways with which he will destroy you! I should also mention you shall not put a stumbling block before the blind. I know, I know. It's the children's favorite game, but the Lord looks down on it. Most important of all, the Lord is a very jealous god. Don't go hiding images of other gods under your mattress so you can sneak a look when you think the Lord isn't watching. If you're out and about, taking a stroll with the Lord, and some other god crosses the street in front of you, avert your eyes. Do not check her out while you are with your Lord, no matter how divine she looks! When you're out with the guys, don't stray too far from home. You don't want the Lord catching you someplace where those half-naked Indian goddesses dance and shake their yonis in your face. And there are certain oases in the desert you want to stay away from. You don't want some Babylonian whore tempting you out of your hard-earned livestock. One night of fun, followed by an eternity of plagues. And your little bishop will probably catch leprosy.
The Fab Five Meet the Israelites
Our Fab Five angels, each wearing a unique and well tailored technicolor dream-coat, are riding through the desert on their SUC (Sports Utility Camel). Let's meet them: Jonathon, the flamboyant fashion consultant; Elisha, the fastidious food expert; Lazarus, the irresistibly charming interior designer; John, the graceful grooming specialist; and Paul, the cuddly maven of culture.
Elisha: So, who do we have, today?
John: Moses and the people of Israel! He's an old man who had an ordinary life in Midian, until he returned to Egypt to free his people from slavery.
Jonathon: My my! What an ambitious fellow! Why does he need our help?
John: Well, apparently he's stuck in a rut. He's taken his people out of Egypt and they're just wandering the desert without any proper way to show devotion to the Lord. Look, there they are now!
Jonathon: What are they wearing?!? They're going to need some sassier clothes if they're expecting to show proper devotion to the Lord.
Lazarus: Oh MY GOD (ducks under a thrown stone) look at them. They don't even have any furniture, nothing to put between their asses and the sand!
Jonathon: I know! But I think you're getting ahead of yourself. They don't even have any windows for me to toss stuff out of!
Elisha: Moses? What is this food? Manna from heaven? Ok, well you have to learn to cook for yourself sometime. Bread is not going to rain from the sky for the rest of your life.
Paul: Would you look at that! Is that guy worshiping a false idol?
Lazarus: No, I think he's worshiping his neighbor's wife.
Paul: Oh, no! No, don't look over there!
All (except Paul); What?!?
Paul: Is he?!? He's fucking a goat!
Paul: (Pulling the guy off the goat) Have you heard about the 10 commandments? Well this is number 27.5. Say it with me: Thou shall not fornicate with the livestock for it renders them unclean and therefore unfit for sacrificial slaughter. Now, go on, you dirty dirty thing. Go find a wife!
John: (Approaching a young boy) You there. Unclean child! No matter how long you play with that pile of dead chameleons, they aren't going to change color! Now wash your hands and for God's sake don't sacrifice anything until tomorrow.
Lazarus: Well, guys. We have a lot of work to do. The Israelites are preparing for their first religious holiday. Moses tells me his people have a priestly class called the Levites that will receive our wisdom and thereafter have the responsibility of governing their people and teaching them to show proper devotion to the Lord.
Jonathon: Levites? If that lad over there took a bath and wore a pair of vintage Levi's jeans, I'd ask him to receive something from me.
Paul: I'm afraid that's not kosher, Jonathon. At least not among the Levites. Plus, God would smite you for wasting your seed.
Jonathon Illuminates the Levites
Jonathon: First of all, let me say that the common folk are fine and dandy. Common clothes for the common man. But you Levites need to distinguish yourselves. You deserve to wear something special. Forget clothes, my friends. You must wear vestments! You need a breastpiece (I mean who doesn't need a piece of breast?), an ephod, a robe, a checkered tunic, a turban, and a sash. I think you will look best in gold, blue, purple, and crimson yarns made of the finest linen. Now, who can sew around here? (looks around the congregation, spots a man with open sores on his face) WAIT, hold on. You, with the bleeding face and one ear. I'm sorry, but the leprous can't wear vestments. You'll just ooze all over the fine linen. Lepers look best in torn clothing. And let your hair be disheveled.
Elisha Feeds the Hungry
Elisha: Don't eat rock badgers, camels, or pigs. Eagles, vultures, winged insects are right out. They're unclean. You might get leprosy if you eat them. I know you're sad about not eating insects, but the Lord does make an exception for jumping insects. Today, I'll teach you to make a lovely salmon dish garnished with grasshopper legs. We'll serve it with your favorite unleavened bread. Now, I want you to feed yourself well, but don't ignore the appetite of the Lord. He has an insatiable desire for goat and sheep flambé.
Lazarus Helps the Homeless
Lazarus: No faith should be without a proper house of worship. Come see what I've done with this old tent, henceforth known as The Tent of Meeting. I dressed up the place with all these lovely curtains. I think that nice acacia wood Ark of the Covenant really pulls the room together. And it matches so well with the acacia incense altar. You'll notice I overlaid the incense altar with gold to compliment the pure gold lampstands. I know you guys are always on the move, wandering the desert, so I built this fantastic tabernacle for you to haul your stuff. I should point out that everything is washable, because I know this place will regularly become an abattoir when you start sacrifices to the Lord. And it might get humid in here with the bloodletting and fire, so look out for mold. What's mold? Any kind of various fungi that-- What's fungi? Ok, let me put it this way. Your house can get leprosy!
John Instructs the Unwashed Masses
John: Dead animals, penile discharges, touching a leper, sex, oozing cuts, childbirth, menstruation. I could go on and on. There are so many ways to render yourself unclean. But, for your sake, you only need to remember one way to clean yourself. It's simple. Just take a bath in water. And avoid touching others for awhile so you don't accidentally make them dirty. A hair tip, for you. Don't round off the hair on your temples or mar the edge of your beard. Always zhoozh your forelocks to give them a little life before performing a ritual sacrifice.
Paul Injects the Uncouth with Culture
Paul: One of the best things I can tell you is to listen to what the other guys told you today. Their words are the Lord's words. If you disobey the Lord, if you spurn his statutes, abhor his ordinances, or break his covenant, he shall be very creative in the ways with which he will destroy you! I should also mention you shall not put a stumbling block before the blind. I know, I know. It's the children's favorite game, but the Lord looks down on it. Most important of all, the Lord is a very jealous god. Don't go hiding images of other gods under your mattress so you can sneak a look when you think the Lord isn't watching. If you're out and about, taking a stroll with the Lord, and some other god crosses the street in front of you, avert your eyes. Do not check her out while you are with your Lord, no matter how divine she looks! When you're out with the guys, don't stray too far from home. You don't want the Lord catching you someplace where those half-naked Indian goddesses dance and shake their yonis in your face. And there are certain oases in the desert you want to stay away from. You don't want some Babylonian whore tempting you out of your hard-earned livestock. One night of fun, followed by an eternity of plagues. And your little bishop will probably catch leprosy.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 03:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 03:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 03:07 am (UTC)Still want them?
I'll be in the red tent if you come a'looking.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 04:17 am (UTC):-)
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 04:26 am (UTC)Or...Maybe it IS!!! :-)
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 01:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 02:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 01:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 01:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 04:08 pm (UTC)I think I'm in love. ;)
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 04:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 04:52 pm (UTC)For your next installment, may I suggest the story of Job; in which Yaweh makes a bet with Lucifer and rakes Job over the coals to make a point. wtf?
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 04:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-12 12:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-12 12:50 am (UTC)